At this time tomorrow, I will be unmarried after nearly 14 years of matrimony.
Although I have been alone for some time, I have been counting down the days for the last three months. It may seem to some that we have already been divorced for all intents and purposes, but our day in court feels just as powerful of a day as a wedding day may feel to someone already sharing a home with their fiancé. Two people living together for months may appear to already be married for all practical purposes, but that wedding day signifies the beginning of a partnership: commitments, rings and vows are exchanged to each other publicly. Our court date tomorrow officially ends our partnership to each other publicly.
We have been separated for over a year but many of those months were spent in limbo; we’ve been on again and off again. For months I was unsure what the future would hold. I was on an emotional roller coaster of hope and despair as I waited and wondered what decisions would be made. The ultimate decision to divorce was made several months ago, but it doesn’t make the looming court date any easier for me.
I weep as I envision the divorce hearing. Can I keep it together? Will I lose it? Hopefully, I can separate the relationship and feelings we had in the past from what is taking place at present. I remind myself, “Think of it as strictly business. This has been over for months! Don’t get upset!”
Unfortunately, I weep as I think about the court date that is quickly arriving. I weep for my children and their pain — past, present and future. I weep for my pain, loss of innocence and love. I weep for what was and what could have been. I weep for the uncertainty and vulnerability I feel for my future. I weep for the burden I face being a single mom to three children and managing a household alone.
I weep for the man with whom I shared more than half my life and for the burden he is facing. Despite all the hurt he has caused me, I still love him and instinctively want to protect him.
I weep for all the others who have been through this horrific journey of divorce. My friends from childhood, adult friends, family members–God, I had no idea what you all went through. But, I see you all now, and you are so strong! You made it through the hurt just as I know my family will.
This pain for me right now is so raw and it all still feels so sad. One minute I feel I have accepted life as it is and the next I feel I am right back in denial that this is really happening. I pray that after the court hearing passes there will be a sense of closure, and I can truly begin my wonderful journey ahead.
Every single day, I pray for strength, patience, and the ability to forgive those who have hurt me. That is my only hope to make it through, and I will.