I am taking life one day at a time, trying to fully experience my emotions as they come, which I believe is necessary to heal. As others who have traveled a similar path may know, losing someone causes an immeasurable pain that strikes the depth of the soul. Before my separation and impending divorce, I could not even comprehend that such painful feelings might occur.
I continue to experience a range of emotions from denial and anger to helplessness, depression, and acceptance. In my opinion, there is no timetable for how long the grieving process should take, and I think it is safe to say it varies from one person to the next. There was a time in which I couldn’t even speak of our divorce without crying, and I (usually) can now. At times I jump back and forth through the stages of grief. Smells, places, or even an old blanket, picture or keepsake can strike a nerve and fill my heart with sadness and my eyes with tears. Other times, I simply smile and treasure memories shared together.
The children and co-parenting process add an element to my grief that is truly indescribable. It is so hard to see our kids navigate through this experience. Even if I accept that I need to move on, I periodically take backward steps wishing it was different for them. Being a kid can be tough when everything is perfect. But our kids now have to keep up with schedules of which house they’ll be going to, what toys or clothes are where, and what is allowed at mommy’s or daddy’s house. Seeing our children struggle with this new life is gut-wrenching. I can already hear the well-intentioned comments, and logically, I know—our children will be better and stronger as a result of all this. But knowing that doesn’t make the situation any easier.
I realize that some may read my posts and interpret that I am struggling, filled with sadness or bitterness. And yes, I do sometimes have those feelings, but I try to move through and beyond them. Some may interpret that I have hard feelings for my ex. While at times I do, which is very normal, I work every day through those feelings too. I realize and accept that we cannot be the best parents possible while harboring hard feelings for one another. If I hold negative feelings towards him, it only hurts me and our kids. Sometimes I deal with this easily and other times it feels like a daily battle. I shared more than half my life with a person I loved and to whom I devoted my life. I miss him, and I am sorting through those feelings.
I am also learning to accept and function as a single mom to three small kids. Parenting was difficult when there were two adults living in our home, and doing it alone is challenging to say the least. This was not my plan, but I am working through it so I can be the best mother I can be for our kids. I have made concerted efforts not to write negatively about anyone or share details of my story publicly because I have a great deal of respect for my family. I continuously try to find hope in my situation. I have grown in ways I never would have, had it not been for our separation and imminent divorce, and for that I am thankful.
Our children have a father who loves them and wants to spend time with them. Single parenting is extremely difficult, but the kids have a father who wants to be in their life, so I get a break. I miss the kids so much when they’re gone. Before our separation I had been there for every moment and experience in their lives; I never missed anything. I will not ever forget the hurt I felt when they went on their first vacation without me. I didn’t get to see their faces when they visited a new city and had new experiences. It was so difficult for me to miss those moments with the kids, but time heals and being apart from the kids is getting easier.
Now I am simply happy the kids get to spend time with their dad and have a father who wants to do things with them. When the kids leave my house to go to daddy’s house, I don’t want them to worry if mommy is okay or afraid that I am missing them or lonely. And as my therapist told me long ago, I need time alone to heal and discover the new me. I know many women whose children don’t have a father in their life. They never get a break; their kids have a void that isn’t being filled. My heart breaks for these mothers and their kids.
My family looks different from anything I had ever imagined, but I accept it and am thankful for what I do have. Every decision I make is with our kids’ best interest at heart, and I believe my ex is doing the same. My life is difficult at times and I am sure his is too. We have made choices that will provide our children stability and continuity, and we are both making sacrifices every day to do this for them.
Our divorce is extremely sad and the idea of sharing my thoughts and feelings about it with people individually seemed impossible. I felt that communicating on this blog with friends and family near and far would be easier. Revealing my story is also helping me heal. The outpouring of support has blown me away. To feel love from others after privately struggling through my separation for a year has brought me so much comfort.
I have been amazed and heartbroken that so many friends are also navigating through difficult times in their marriages. Social media makes the world look as though we all have picture-perfect spouses, marriages and children, but in reality a lot of us are barely keeping it together.
I did not anticipate the response I would receive from sharing my story. Friends from years past have messaged that their marriages are in trouble and they felt they were alone. Friends near to me, who I never would have guessed were struggling, have reached out, stating they can relate and are thankful to know they aren’t alone. Others have shared my blog with their loved ones who are divorcing. It is touching to know that some have felt a connection with my words. I have made new relationships and gained a greater support system from sharing my story. I frequently meet others who are divorced or in the process. While it is nauseating that divorce is so prevalent, it is also consoling to know I’m not alone. And if you are hurting in your marriage, you are not alone either.
I believe we were put on this earth to love and support one another, and that is my intention for this blog. I cannot begin to express my appreciation to my dear family and friends who held me when I was broken and sobbing, delivered dinners, babysat, brought me flowers, cookies and gin, edited my blog posts, helped me with the house, took me dancing, listened to my hours on end of processing all that has happened, messaged, called, and consistently checked on the kids and me. These amazing people helped me make it through this year+, and I know I would not be where I am if it wasn’t for them. I can only pray that I can reciprocate with even a fraction of the love they have shown me.
In the midst of something very sad, seeing the beauty of unconditional love given to me and the children by so many has been absolutely amazing and brings me hope. This sharing of love is a great testament that even the smallest act of kindness can mean everything to someone who is struggling. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all who are on this journey with me, supporting the kids and me as we travel this road of grief and discovery. Love never fails.