Hard Days

Being a single mom is hard, and I mean really, really hard. On those “hard days” it can be so difficult that I fight back tears wondering if I’ll make it through the day. I’ve experienced challenging times in my life. I worked and put myself through college. That was hard. When I began my accounting career, I had to travel endlessly and work ridiculously long hours. That was hard. I’ve been pregnant five times, had two miscarriages and one D&C, and gave birth to three babies naturally, without any medication. That was all extremely hard. I’ve nursed and cared for three infant babies and I experienced sleep deprivation to an extent I didn’t know possible, and that was, again, pretty dang hard. But, through all of those hard times, I had a partner by my side whom I loved and who loved me. We were a team, and he was there to support me and make all that hard stuff seem not so bad. I realize all parents have tough moments. We all wonder at times if we’ll make it through the day, sometimes the hour. But for me, facing it alone has added an additional element of difficulty.

I know I can do this single parenting thing, and I will do it. I’m thankful for my amazing family and friends who are there to support me. I know at the end of a particularly tough day that tomorrow will be a new, better day. Unfortunately, at times the absence of that person who had been by my side is extremely painful. The person I looked forward to seeing, talking with, listening to, and holding tight is gone and won’t return. I feel the absence of a shoulder where I could lay my head, discuss all my worries, and work through problems together.

I am okay. I am getting used to this new life. I’ve been living it for over a year. But periodically, the finality of it hits hard. There are no “maybes” that I’ll have it back again or that I can hope for repair. It is done and this new role as a single mom is all mine.

Some days feel harder, when my kids aren’t listening or minding, when my head spins with a litany of thoughts about money, budget, and bills, about when I’m going to clean my kitchen and get to the laundry, and what I will make for dinner. Someone screams for food, pees their pants, needs help with homework, waits on the potty to get their butt wiped, wants a book read, just whacked their sibling, needs a discussion to learn a lesson, or just wants you to listen while they count to 100. As parents we are pulled in so many directions and it can be difficult to do it all alone.

I realize that, in a lot of ways, this is not a big change from how my life looked a couple of years ago, but then again, it is different–so different. There is no one here to back me up, no one here to step in when I am losing my cool, no one here to discuss something other than kid stuff to help clear my mind. No one to give a hug, get a hug from, or run a kid to the bathroom so all three don’t have to be dragged in together. There is not another set of arms to hold one of the two younger kiddos when they are both crying and want to be consoled, or another set of hands to give attention to the oldest who simultaneously wants someone to play with him. There are no more family jam sessions in the music room, camping trips, or weekend adventures together. I don’t get to look forward to a break when daddy finally comes home from a long day at work or arrives home from a trip. I don’t have anyone to stroll with hand in hand while we watch our kids playing at the park. There is no one here to have a beer and chat while making dinner, to cuddle on the couch to watch TV when the house is finally quiet, and curl up in bed at night. That empty space can be so painful.

I push through another day, working extraordinarily hard to keep my cool amid the sibling rivalries, tantrums, and repeated cries from my youngest baby for her daddy. I’m desperately trying to embrace and cling to all those wonderfully sweet and special moments I get to experience with my babies, and most of the time I do. But then, there are the days when bedtime can’t come soon enough, and I pray that everyone will stay in their bed all night so I can have a few hours alone–even if I am just sleeping. Most of the time, I’m doing great and rocking the single mom thing, and I know I’ve got this. But then, there are those days when it just sucks. It is not what I signed up for, and this is not how it was “supposed” to be.

Perhaps this is a good reminder for all those who are teetering on the edge with their marriage. I implore you to consider what the grass will look like on the other side. Mind you, this is only my side of the equation. I obviously can’t speak for my ex, but I would guess he has his own list of hard days. There’s a great deal of alone time, a huge amount of financial liability, and kids that aren’t with him enough to establish a consistent schedule.

I fought to avoid crossing to this side, but like it or not, this is where I now stand and I have to make the best of it. If you haven’t crossed the line or are considering it, please know this is hard, really, really hard. If you are fortunate enough to have a great bond with someone, I gently remind you to cherish it. You are so blessed. Losing that bond is a heartbreak you don’t want to know or experience. Try to dig down deep to do the work to keep the bond you have thriving.

However, if you are traveling a similar journey with me, join me in putting our faith and hope in knowing that, although this is so very difficult, it is leading us somewhere great. I am taking deep breaths and praying that this road isn’t too long. And hopefully those hard days will become fewer and further between.

I am taking more time for me than I have in years. I am putting myself further up on the list of priorities now, and I wish I had done so a long time ago. I’m working to feel fulfilled in my new life alone with the kids, and I am getting there. However, I hope to eventually feel again that love I once knew, and I want to store away the knowledge of how it feels to be without. I definitely embrace my life now and enjoy the ease of making decisions without consulting another. Life is simple and decisions are solely up to me. It can be difficult at times, but it’s also invigorating and empowering. However, I know what can be gained from sharing a life with another, and I do look forward to once again experiencing all that comes along with it–because it is a beautiful thing.

Until then, I will put energy on me and those that I love and find happiness on this new journey. I will continue to savor all those sweet hugs and kisses from my babies, and marvel at watching them learn something new each day and show the kindness and love that I am working hard to teach them. I will thank God for my family, friends, home, and full belly, and I will do my best to lay my head down each night feeling content with all that I have, because I know there is so much to be thankful for despite those hard days.