Month: April 2016

I am taking life one day at a time, trying to fully experience my emotions as they come, which I believe is necessary to heal. As others who have traveled a similar path may know, losing someone causes an immeasurable pain that strikes the depth of the soul. Before my separation and impending divorce, I could not even comprehend that such painful feelings might occur.

I continue to experience a range of emotions from denial and anger to helplessness, depression, and acceptance. In my opinion, there is no timetable for how long the grieving process should take, and I think it is safe to say it varies from one person to the next. There was a time in which I couldn’t even speak of our divorce without crying, and I (usually) can now. At times I jump back and forth through the stages of grief. Smells, places, or even an old blanket, picture or keepsake can strike a nerve and fill my heart with sadness and my eyes with tears. Other times, I simply smile and treasure memories shared together.

The children and co-parenting process add an element to my grief that is truly indescribable. It is so hard to see our kids navigate through this experience. Even if I accept that I need to move on, I periodically take backward steps wishing it was different for them. Being a kid can be tough when everything is perfect. But our kids now have to keep up with schedules of which house they’ll be going to, what toys or clothes are where, and what is allowed at mommy’s or daddy’s house. Seeing our children struggle with this new life is gut-wrenching. I can already hear the well-intentioned comments, and logically, I know—our children will be better and stronger as a result of all this. But knowing that doesn’t make the situation any easier.

I realize that some may read my posts and interpret that I am struggling, filled with sadness or bitterness. And yes, I do sometimes have those feelings, but I try to move through and beyond them. Some may interpret that I have hard feelings for my ex. While at times I do, which is very normal, I work every day through those feelings too. I realize and accept that we cannot be the best parents possible while harboring hard feelings for one another. If I hold negative feelings towards him, it only hurts me and our kids. Sometimes I deal with this easily and other times it feels like a daily battle. I shared more than half my life with a person I loved and to whom I devoted my life. I miss him, and I am sorting through those feelings.

I am also learning to accept and function as a single mom to three small kids. Parenting was difficult when there were two adults living in our home, and doing it alone is challenging to say the least.  This was not my plan, but I am working through it so I can be the best mother I can be for our kids. I have made concerted efforts not to write negatively about anyone or share details of my story publicly because I have a great deal of respect for my family. I continuously try to find hope in my situation. I have grown in ways I never would have, had it not been for our separation and imminent divorce, and for that I am thankful.

Our children have a father who loves them and wants to spend time with them. Single parenting is extremely difficult, but the kids have a father who wants to be in their life, so I get a break. I miss the kids so much when they’re gone. Before our separation I had been there for every moment and experience in their lives; I never missed anything. I will not ever forget the hurt I felt when they went on their first vacation without me. I didn’t get to see their faces when they visited a new city and had new experiences. It was so difficult for me to miss those moments with the kids, but time heals and being apart from the kids is getting easier.

Now I am simply happy the kids get to spend time with their dad and have a father who wants to do things with them. When the kids leave my house to go to daddy’s house, I don’t want them to worry if mommy is okay or afraid that I am missing them or lonely. And as my therapist told me long ago, I need time alone to heal and discover the new me. I know many women whose children don’t have a father in their life. They never get a break; their kids have a void that isn’t being filled. My heart breaks for these mothers and their kids.

My family looks different from anything I had ever imagined, but I accept it and am thankful for what I do have. Every decision I make is with our kids’ best interest at heart, and I believe my ex is doing the same. My life is difficult at times and I am sure his is too. We have made choices that will provide our children stability and continuity, and we are both making sacrifices every day to do this for them.

Our divorce is extremely sad and the idea of sharing my thoughts and feelings about it with people individually seemed impossible. I felt that communicating on this blog with friends and family near and far would be easier. Revealing my story is also helping me heal. The outpouring of support has blown me away. To feel love from others after privately struggling through my separation for a year has brought me so much comfort.

I have been amazed and heartbroken that so many friends are also navigating through difficult times in their marriages. Social media makes the world look as though we all have picture-perfect spouses, marriages and children, but in reality a lot of us are barely keeping it together.

I did not anticipate the response I would receive from sharing my story. Friends from years past have messaged that their marriages are in trouble and they felt they were alone. Friends near to me, who I never would have guessed were struggling, have reached out, stating they can relate and are thankful to know they aren’t alone. Others have shared my blog with their loved ones who are divorcing. It is touching to know that some have felt a connection with my words. I have made new relationships and gained a greater support system from sharing my story. I frequently meet others who are divorced or in the process. While it is nauseating that divorce is so prevalent, it is also consoling to know I’m not alone. And if you are hurting in your marriage, you are not alone either.

I believe we were put on this earth to love and support one another, and that is my intention for this blog. I cannot begin to express my appreciation to my dear family and friends who held me when I was broken and sobbing, delivered dinners, babysat, brought me flowers, cookies and gin, edited my blog posts, helped me with the house, took me dancing, listened to my hours on end of processing all that has happened, messaged, called, and consistently checked on the kids and me. These amazing people helped me make it through this year+, and I know I would not be where I am if it wasn’t for them. I can only pray that I can reciprocate with even a fraction of the love they have shown me.

In the midst of something very sad, seeing the beauty of unconditional love given to me and the children by so many has been absolutely amazing and brings me hope. This sharing of love is a great testament that even the smallest act of kindness can mean everything to someone who is struggling. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all who are on this journey with me, supporting the kids and me as we travel this road of grief and discovery. Love never fails.

Being a single mom is hard, and I mean really, really hard. On those “hard days” it can be so difficult that I fight back tears wondering if I’ll make it through the day. I’ve experienced challenging times in my life. I worked and put myself through college. That was hard. When I began my accounting career, I had to travel endlessly and work ridiculously long hours. That was hard. I’ve been pregnant five times, had two miscarriages and one D&C, and gave birth to three babies naturally, without any medication. That was all extremely hard. I’ve nursed and cared for three infant babies and I experienced sleep deprivation to an extent I didn’t know possible, and that was, again, pretty dang hard. But, through all of those hard times, I had a partner by my side whom I loved and who loved me. We were a team, and he was there to support me and make all that hard stuff seem not so bad. I realize all parents have tough moments. We all wonder at times if we’ll make it through the day, sometimes the hour. But for me, facing it alone has added an additional element of difficulty.

I know I can do this single parenting thing, and I will do it. I’m thankful for my amazing family and friends who are there to support me. I know at the end of a particularly tough day that tomorrow will be a new, better day. Unfortunately, at times the absence of that person who had been by my side is extremely painful. The person I looked forward to seeing, talking with, listening to, and holding tight is gone and won’t return. I feel the absence of a shoulder where I could lay my head, discuss all my worries, and work through problems together.

I am okay. I am getting used to this new life. I’ve been living it for over a year. But periodically, the finality of it hits hard. There are no “maybes” that I’ll have it back again or that I can hope for repair. It is done and this new role as a single mom is all mine.

Some days feel harder, when my kids aren’t listening or minding, when my head spins with a litany of thoughts about money, budget, and bills, about when I’m going to clean my kitchen and get to the laundry, and what I will make for dinner. Someone screams for food, pees their pants, needs help with homework, waits on the potty to get their butt wiped, wants a book read, just whacked their sibling, needs a discussion to learn a lesson, or just wants you to listen while they count to 100. As parents we are pulled in so many directions and it can be difficult to do it all alone.

I realize that, in a lot of ways, this is not a big change from how my life looked a couple of years ago, but then again, it is different–so different. There is no one here to back me up, no one here to step in when I am losing my cool, no one here to discuss something other than kid stuff to help clear my mind. No one to give a hug, get a hug from, or run a kid to the bathroom so all three don’t have to be dragged in together. There is not another set of arms to hold one of the two younger kiddos when they are both crying and want to be consoled, or another set of hands to give attention to the oldest who simultaneously wants someone to play with him. There are no more family jam sessions in the music room, camping trips, or weekend adventures together. I don’t get to look forward to a break when daddy finally comes home from a long day at work or arrives home from a trip. I don’t have anyone to stroll with hand in hand while we watch our kids playing at the park. There is no one here to have a beer and chat while making dinner, to cuddle on the couch to watch TV when the house is finally quiet, and curl up in bed at night. That empty space can be so painful.

I push through another day, working extraordinarily hard to keep my cool amid the sibling rivalries, tantrums, and repeated cries from my youngest baby for her daddy. I’m desperately trying to embrace and cling to all those wonderfully sweet and special moments I get to experience with my babies, and most of the time I do. But then, there are the days when bedtime can’t come soon enough, and I pray that everyone will stay in their bed all night so I can have a few hours alone–even if I am just sleeping. Most of the time, I’m doing great and rocking the single mom thing, and I know I’ve got this. But then, there are those days when it just sucks. It is not what I signed up for, and this is not how it was “supposed” to be.

Perhaps this is a good reminder for all those who are teetering on the edge with their marriage. I implore you to consider what the grass will look like on the other side. Mind you, this is only my side of the equation. I obviously can’t speak for my ex, but I would guess he has his own list of hard days. There’s a great deal of alone time, a huge amount of financial liability, and kids that aren’t with him enough to establish a consistent schedule.

I fought to avoid crossing to this side, but like it or not, this is where I now stand and I have to make the best of it. If you haven’t crossed the line or are considering it, please know this is hard, really, really hard. If you are fortunate enough to have a great bond with someone, I gently remind you to cherish it. You are so blessed. Losing that bond is a heartbreak you don’t want to know or experience. Try to dig down deep to do the work to keep the bond you have thriving.

However, if you are traveling a similar journey with me, join me in putting our faith and hope in knowing that, although this is so very difficult, it is leading us somewhere great. I am taking deep breaths and praying that this road isn’t too long. And hopefully those hard days will become fewer and further between.

I am taking more time for me than I have in years. I am putting myself further up on the list of priorities now, and I wish I had done so a long time ago. I’m working to feel fulfilled in my new life alone with the kids, and I am getting there. However, I hope to eventually feel again that love I once knew, and I want to store away the knowledge of how it feels to be without. I definitely embrace my life now and enjoy the ease of making decisions without consulting another. Life is simple and decisions are solely up to me. It can be difficult at times, but it’s also invigorating and empowering. However, I know what can be gained from sharing a life with another, and I do look forward to once again experiencing all that comes along with it–because it is a beautiful thing.

Until then, I will put energy on me and those that I love and find happiness on this new journey. I will continue to savor all those sweet hugs and kisses from my babies, and marvel at watching them learn something new each day and show the kindness and love that I am working hard to teach them. I will thank God for my family, friends, home, and full belly, and I will do my best to lay my head down each night feeling content with all that I have, because I know there is so much to be thankful for despite those hard days.